


Another Rant Fic

by nandonman



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Abandonment, Abusive relationships - aftermath, Ellen Page's Vanya Hargreeves, Fear, Gen, Guilt, Rant Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23582074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nandonman/pseuds/nandonman
Summary: writing to process. easier to do with someone else
Comments: 4
Kudos: 7





	Another Rant Fic

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing is a trigger lmao. There's 0% happiness. Just a warning

Vanya knew she wasn't alone. She knew she had people who cared about her.  
She also knew that she was a complex person, with reasons behind her actions.

And yet Vanya couldn't shake the faces of her siblings from her mind. She couldn't take herself away from that moment, standing with the bow in her hand as Allison fell to the ground. She couldn't shake the image of Leonard, the man who had supported her and /helped/ her, falling to the ground, covered in knives.

She released the breath she was holding in a guttural whine, shaking her body almost in tune with her already shaking hands.

She sat on the floor of the farthest stall in the symphony's restroom, and she felt so incredibly light, she worried she might turn to dust and scatter through the stalls.

She was torn between hatred for herself and the feeling of abandonment from those she loved. Side A of Vanya Hargreeves wished to God and beyond that her siblings would understand her, would sympathize and reassure her that "you did what anyone would do." That side still ached from being thrown in the cage, and cried for the loss of what little trust and love she felt from her family.  
Side B was the side that haunted her more dangerously. This Vanya Hargreeves was a monster, a woman who'd rather resort to violence than let herself open up to anyone. She was weak, and pathetic, and created her own damn issues. How could she do that to Leonard? He had a reason for what he did! He was just hurt! It was her who hadn't a clue what he went through, and yet she acted on her own childish hatred. Was it her hatred for herself that threw those knives?

The thought sent a pain through her abdomen, and she curled up tighter, bile threatening to force its way from her mouth. She took a deep breath, but her lungs seemed to be so far away. Everything was. She felt like she was being pulled apart.

Vanya knew that even though her siblings hurt her, they still loved her. And she hated to admit it, but she loved them too. If she died, what would happen to them? Would they curse her name, dismiss her as a selfish mistake? Would they cry, haunted by guilt for throwing her in the cage?

If she died, the world would only become darker. And yet she knew somewhere in her heart that there was no healing for Vanya Hargreeves. She could seek forgiveness from Allison, even convince herself that what she did to Leonard was justified. But there would always be doubt in her heart. She would always know, deep down, her own quality.

Vanya sniffed, letting loose one last tortured exhale before going still. The lightness was fading, and in came a rush of weight, filling her body and pulling her to the ground. She didn't fight it.

Vanya collapsed against the bathroom floor and stared up at the ceiling above her.

She wanted nothing more than for this to all go away. For the darkness to win and drag her to her grave, or for a miraculous pill that would take away all the pain. She wished for company, for empathy, for love . . . and yet she knew these things did not belong together. Company was cheap, and empathy was far, far away. And as for love . . .  
Love did nothing but tie her down. It was as much of a weapon as her guilt.

She closed her eyes.

"I can't keep living like this . . ."

It had been six months since the whole mess, and yet she was still haunted. As if karma was waiting for her to run out of fuel and catch her falling body to put inside her grave. She would go periods of time, happily distracting herself and swallowing the morning nausea that accompanied her pills. And then everything would crash again.

Just how much more of this could she take?

**Author's Note:**

> It's amazing how easily I forget what's happened in my life. I'll have periods of successfully distracting myself, only for it to creep back to me and attack just as I get a new job, just as I decide that maybe I do want to keep living.
> 
> I really love Vanya Hargeeves. So much of what she goes through in the show is exactly what haunts me in both my waking and unconscious hours.
> 
> I just want to have something to fight for. But I feel completely and utterly alone.


End file.
